I am broken. And I am ready to fix it.
Prior to my (now failed) marriage I was spontaneous. I felt free to speak my mind. I didn’t need tons of reassurances from outside sources. I trusted that what I had to say people would want to hear whether it be funny or serious. I was a fair bit more extroverted.
Now, I am introverted. I feel uncomfortable with spontaneity. I feel uncomfortable speaking my mind. I automatically assume no one wants to hear what I have to say no matter what it is, and need all manner of reassurance to speak what is in my heart. I assume that people are not listening. I stick with a few close and trusted people and open to no one else.
But I am starting to see again what I am missing by being broken. I am denying no one but myself. The silence, anxiety, and sleepless nights hurt no one but me and my daughter. So I need to ask what I fear about speaking my mind? What do I fear in some spontaneity? What do I gain by holding myself back? One would assume that I continue in a pattern because on some level it is working for me.
This will now have to change. I am again starting to see that I am a decent and likeable person despite what has happened in my life. I see it even in my introverted shell. So now, when people ask me to go do things, I will evaluate if I actually want to do them or not. This decision must no longer be based in fear and anxiety but how I actually feel about the activity I am being asked to participate in. Fear is no longer a reason or an excuse. It isn’t even an option. 😛