To my ex’s ex.

Let’s get something straight right off the bat.  I am not my daughters “biology” mother.  I am not even her biological mother.  I am her mother.  Through and through.  End of story.  I am her only mother.  I have sole custody of her.  Biology only plays a small part of this and has nothing to do with this conversation.

Now that we have that straightened out, let’s talk about your role. You are not her mother.  You have walked into her life only 6 months ago and spent a very limited amount of time with her. Her relationship with you would be considered rocky at best.  Now that you have kicked out her father, you have no role whatsoever in her life.

Therefore, your desire to express how you feel she should be raised, and what issues should be addressed with her is the height of hubris.  But, frankly, all you’ve done so far has been hubris, thus I should not be surprised.

Your statement that Bug is “much smarter than we all imagine!!!” is incorrect.  I assure you, I know just how smart she is.  And because she is so smart, she can see right through you.  To her, you are desperately transparent.  She may be much smarter than you realized, but I know just how smart my own child is and how she understands so much more than most people think she does.  So, if you tell me she treats you with disrespect, I have no doubt that this is a learned behavior.  If you and her father spend all your time disrespecting each other, she will learn to do the same in that situation.  But because she is smart, she compartmentalizes and she knows full well disrespecting me would be a very bad idea indeed.

Now that we have established that she is a pretty smart cookie, let’s talk about how she defends her father.  In your presence, she has had to be fearful of the behavior her father and you have toward each other.  Now, she loves her father and has always known him.  And you’ve walked in 6 months ago and disrupted their relationship which was becoming more stable over time.  Who did you think she was going to defend?  You?  You have GOT to be kidding me.  She doesn’t love you, she barely even knows you.  Of course she is going to act in whatever way she thinks is pleasing to her father at the time.

And no, she doesn’t like the thought of you marrying her father.  Big surprise, I am sure she doesn’t want to see two people who treat each other with such contempt actually get married.  This goes against what she believes marriage is about.  So basically, we have now established that she is actually smarter than you.  And her father.  Combined.

But, I’d like to assure you that she doesn’t act this way around me.  In fact, quite the contrary, she asks me often if I could please get married.  And you know what?  Though you seem to think otherwise, she has never asked me to marry her father.  Actually, while we are on that subject, let’s address something else.  Yes, yes indeed it would be both rude and too late to “let” me be with her father again.  Actually, you are not “letting” me be or do anything.  My life is my decision, and I decided long ago not to be with him.  That isn’t going to change even though you seem to think that this would be best for Bug.

Now, let’s address where you’ve gotten it right.  You are right when you comment that you are not the one who should address these issues with her.  Absolutely.  Stay out of it.  You’ve no place in her life anymore so there is no need whatsoever to address anything with her.  You don’t get to correct her “misbehavior.”  You don’t get to tell her what has happened in her life when she was too young to remember.  You don’t get to provide the shoulder to cry on when her father lets her down.  Those rights are reserved for me, and I will be the one to take care of them.  That is what “mother” means.  That is what “sole custody” means.  You are none of those.

And finally, please, I implore you, do tell me why you think you will be sending her to China to study to be a physician of acupuncture “based on her interest?”  She is 4 years old!  She doesn’t know her own interest.  She won’t know her own interest for some time.  And, as smart as you have realized she is, I am positive she will figure out that China is not the place for her to study!  Of all the harebrained statements, I think this one might be the most obscenely ridiculous.

But you know what?  I really must thank you for this latest email.  It has given me insight beyond my wildest dreams as to what my daughter has been dealing with for the past 6 months.  It may not have accomplished what you expected it to, but I assure you it was indeed most enlightening.

8 thoughts on “To my ex’s ex.

  1. I love what you have said here. It is exactly what I couldn’t have expressed to you earlier. Keep up the wonderful work you have been doing. Bug is such a wonderful person and Grant and I love her to death. I can’t imagine her as something other than what she currently is and we cannot support you more.

  2. Tell her how you REALLY feel! Go Kara!
    Sadly, while this would all make sense to a reasonable person, it may not register with Crazy.
    I read a quote about 6 yrs or so years ago that stuck with me.

    “Don’t try to Reason with Crazy. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

    I’m just glad she is out of Bug’s life. Here’s hoping she stays out.

  3. you go girl! Bug is about the sweetest most well behaved 4 year old I have ever met. You’re doing great without ex’s ex hope she leaves you and bug alone now. I have called her a bunch of rude names for you! 🙂

  4. i’m going to assume you’re going to delete any further emails from this person since she’s apparently no longer in your daughter’s life?

    what a nudge.

  5. I just wanted to say that I applaud this post with every fiber of my being. I have a somewhat similar situation with a girlfriend of my BIL. They spend quite a bit of time with my 4 year old son and she has a similar problem with realizing where boundaries are as well as understanding that she does not now, nor will she ever, have a say so in what we decide for him. I just found out that when they are together she has him call her Mommy…twisted. Needless to say that visits are now supervised. Luckily he is a smart little boy who knows that she is not his mother and he tells her so all the time. I think your response to this woman was restrained while at the same time getting your point very clearly across. I will take a page from your book and explain things to this woman without losing my cool and screaming. Thank you for sharing this.

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